I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve become a very divided and belligerent society. I travel nearly every week and see it in airports, parking lots, highways, and grocery stores. People fight for what they want with little concern for others. It worries me at times, and drags me in other times.
A few years ago, my daughter asked for my help as she prepared for a series of debates in her Government class. The topics were all societal “hot potatoes” including gun control, term limits, and raising the minimum wage. Her teacher assigned the Pro and Con positions randomly – students weren’t allowed to choose. The challenge for her was that each position she was assigned was contrary to what she believed.
We spent some time talking through each issue objectively – no opinions, just what the observer’s eye would see. We then talked about both positions, again just working with what we knew or could find. Finally, we identified the points she would need to make in order to counter them. Interestingly enough, while her own personal position didn’t change, she at least knew a lot more about the other side. Rather than just dismiss their position, she could at least present a more reasoned rebuttal.
Most of us don’t take the time to do this rigorous work. We stake out a position or opinion, sometimes based on nothing more than it was how we were raised to believe. We then surround ourselves with others who believe that way in order to bolster the validity of our beliefs. Finally, we cement it in place with “objective” data we get from either of the two news propaganda machines of FOX and MSNBC. It’s us against the world in a zero sum game. With all the energy and emotion running high, it leads to a viewpoint that we are right and the world is our adversary.
Stephen Covey coined a principle years ago that went something like this: “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” Maybe our fear is that if we let the other side go first and actually listen, we’ll be accused of changing our beliefs. I don’t agree. If your beliefs are personal values, you won’t change them for anyone. By listening first, you might just get the other person to listen to you. They’re not going to change their value but maybe they (and you) come away a little better educated and with a friendlier relationship.
All of us need to build relationships with others to get things done. Phenomena like organizational politics, power, and influence are a way of doing business. You can choose to fight it out toe-to-toe but it’s an easy way to lose and even a win can be a loss. This week, think about what you can do to crack open your mind just a bit more. I’m a work in progress on this and will do my best to do the same.
